#realtalk

Let's keep this brief....

My name is Ben Griffin.

Thanks to those who read my blog and left comments on my posts!

I remember when it was easy to forget

I remember when it was easy to forget.

Before life swooped in and decided it was time to turn off the show.

Before my memories consisted of a few dozen pictures on my phone.  

Before I hated social media because all it does is remind me that everyone else is having the time of their lives, and all I want to do is go back to the time when I was too.

Before remembering was all I had left.

Before all of this.

I remember when goodbye meant, see you tomorrow, and not, see you in a few years....maybe.

I remember when we hiked to the top of Timp to see the sun rise on another day, forgetting that it was one day less.  

I remember gazing at the stars as we fell asleep on top of the house boat in Lake Powell wishing that I could stop time and somehow prevent it from ruining everything.  

I remember when yesterday was today and tomorrow would never happen.

I remember when Santa was real and the tooth fairy existed because when I lost a tooth I magically became a dollar richer.

I remember elementary school and playing football at recess because someday I would play in the NFL.

I remember entering seventh grade and thinking that I was David and the ninth graders were Goliath.

I remember ninth grade and thinking that I was the shiz because hello, oldest in the school....and then sophomore year happened....

I remember when it was easy to forget.

I remember a friendship that became a brotherhood.

I remember last summer because everyday was how I imagined life is supposed to be.  It was the time of my life and every day I remind myself and remind myself and remind myself, because when the day comes that I forget I will have completely lost what I am so hopelessly, desperately trying to hold on to.  And I can't let that happen.

I remember when it was easy to forget, but now all I want to do is remember.

Because if I stop remembering I will slowly lose what I can't afford to let go.

I remember because that is who I am.  

I remember...I remember...I remember...

Black Out

Life or death, which one will it be?

The heart is an incredible thing.

With every beat there is a feeling.  With every pump, an emotion.  

Maybe thats why heartache is a million times worse than a headache.

Wounds to the heart run deep.  They last for years.

With every beat there is pain.  With every pump, sadness.

The muscle inside my chest causes me more pain than if I bruised and tore every other muscle in my body.

The thing keeping me alive can slowly kill me.

I can try running from it but it is pointless.

I cant run away from my own heart, if anything, the faster I run the harder it beats.

Harder and harder until all I can feel is the pounding inside of me and all I can hear is the unceasing beats thumping against my chest.

Its beating me to death.

But the heart isn't supposed to feel pain.

It is the symbol of the thing that all humans live for: love.

With every beat there is life.  With every pump, happiness.

The heart may at times cause pain but it also can supply the greatest form of joy known to man.

Its all I ever want to feel, and is why I want to live.

Love.  A life without it is as pointless as a book with no conclusion, as a beginning without an end.

The moment I feel it I'm addicted, and keep coming back for more.  And more.  And more.

I can never get enough of it.  

Its what I live for.

I spend days searching for it, and seem to forget that its all around me.

Its inside of me.

The thing keeping me alive can kill me, but it can also save me.

And its all from the heart.

The thing that can cause the most pain can bring the most joy.

So which one will it be?

Nature, Humans, and Human Nature

True beauty is yet to be touch by the hands of humans.

The way the canyon and the tress look during in October
The peace of the valley blanketed by a blanket of new snow in December
The blossoms of May and the summer sun of June.
The fall sunsets, the life of summer, the winter snow and the emerging world of spring.

Artists try to depict nature in the paintings, cameras can capture an image, but none can truly compare the beauty produced by this world.

Mother nature is an artist
The most gifted artist the world has ever or will ever see.

Nature-
That is what true beauty is
And nothing man makes can even touch it.
Strip away the material creations of man and all that is left is pure untouched beauty.

It seems the same can be said of human nature.
When uncorrupted it is pure.
When untouched by others and vain things it is as it is supposed to be.
Take away the vain and corrupted aspects of our lives and all that is left is who we truly are.
Who we are supposed to be.

What really matters...

What would it be like if we treated everyone like they were dying?

How would things be different?

How would we act?

What would really matter?

Stupid things like if someone is:

rich or poor

tall or short

strong or weak

good looking or not

smart or dumb

The list could stretch on....

these things wouldn't matter as much any more.

So, here's the newsflash for you.

We are all dying.

Well kind of, we are all going to die....and whats the difference really.

I am dying, but who knows it may take 80 years...but it will eventually happen

We are all on the same road, heading to the same destination.

We are all going to die - simple, redundant, cliché...well its true.

we are all going to die

So if we are all dying, why not treat others with the true respect they deserve?

In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter who drives the nicer car, or who can lift more weight, or who scores higher on a test?

it really doesn't 

That fact that we all will die is all that matters.

Live a life that you love, with the people you love, doing what you love.  That way when its over, even if its sooner rather than later, there aren't any regrets and coulda-woulda-shouldas.  That's what really matters.  

Treating people with the respect they deserve, that is all that matters.

Death shows that love, respect, and kindness are really all that matters.

So, let's remember what really matters.

Let's be real for once

I'm really getting sick of high school.

I know I shouldn't be.  Everyone says, oh high school was the best time of my life.

I guess even though I try so hard to be normal, Im really just not...

I wish I felt like that.  I wish I could say I loved high school.

But thats all it is: just a wish.

With each day that trudges by, all I can think about is getting the hell out of here.

Maybe it would be different if everyone wasn't so fake.

If everything wasn't about looks, and nice clothes, and expensive cars, and being a star athlete, and looking like a model and being better than everyone else.

Come on people, can we be real for once?

I always seem to be called an idiot when I believe the best of people.  

Now thats something I really don't understand.

And normally Im a pretty smart person.

Its seems like to fit in, you've got to think the worst of everyone else, and focus on their negatives and not the positives.  It seems like if you do that, you're "better" than they are.

At least thats what I see.

Maybe Im blind, or just an idiot.....

I wouldn't be surprised if its just cause Im an idiot.

I feel like I am a lot anyways.

I just want to get out of high school.

So many people say they are so afraid of moving on, but thats something Ive never been scared of.

Ya Im really not normal.

All I know is I can't wait for the real world.

Cause at least it will be just that:

Real.

We're all afraid of something

We are all afraid of something

Although a lot of people pretend to be immune from it, fear infects us all whether we like it or not.

I sit at school and stress about whether or not the people around me are judging me for how I look.
I lay in bed wondering about whats coming next and wishing that I could change what happend in the past.
I nervously check the closet cause really Im afraid of the dark.

No wonder I can't fall asleep.

I go around trying to convince other people that I am not afraid of anything.  Trying to act like I'm free from fear.

Really I should be trying to convince myself.

There is no way to leave fear behind.  It seems to follow us like a shadow.
Let's face it, we are all afraid of something.

Instead learning to overcome the fear we have seems to be the only way to conquer fear.  Learning to cope with fear, to face our fears.

(I watched Divergent last night.....if you can't already tell.)

No, fear will never leave us.  I mean, Im a senior in high school and Im still afraid of the dark, of being alone, of being left out, of girls, and of spiders.

If only the list was really that short.

No I can't get rid of them.  I have to live with them.
But learning how takes time.

We're all afraid of something.

How to.....how to.....how to.....

how to be alone- don't be.... get off your butt, and find something to do with someone, even if it's with your dog.

how to be happy- dont be sad. watch a funny video, listen to a good song, but dont listen to the song happy cause that song doesnt make anyone happy anymore.  Just be happy.  The glass is half full right?

how to become a good singer- sing along with your favorite song every time youre alone in your car or sing in the shower, just sing....but maybe that isnt how to be a good singer, thats just how to sing alot.... oh well.

how to be a good dancer- dont worry about what others think of you, just dance, and if you look like an idiot (which people like me do) at least youre having fun.

how to cook- follow some instructions, put some ingredients together, and try to be smart enough to not ruin it.

how to drive safely- dont text, use your phone, or be distracted, unless you really want to get in a wreck, then go ahead.

how to fit in at lone peak- wear really nice clothes, be really good looking, have the iphone 6, drive a nice car, have a nice house, and put #LPOD on every twitter and instagram post..... also be too cool for everyone else, that helps too.

how to waste time- Netflix.  what else do you need?

how to get a 4.0- show up to class, pay attention, and do your homework.....sounds too good to be true?....try it, its really not that hard.  But if youre too cool for that, I get it, we do go to lone peak.

how to be a photographer- buy a camera and take pictures

how to be a poet- write poetry

how to be a good poet- write good poetry

how to be a teenager- hate everyone and everything and disobey your parents even though you know they are right

how to play the piano- go press the keys and make noise, but to be good at the piano, that actually takes some practice

how to be good at something- do it a lot.....ya thats all I got for this one.

how to be a good blogger- listen to sad music, be creative, be hipster, be a girl, and dont be like me.

Montana

I've dabbled in film making before, but I could never create something quite like this.

You never know what someone might be going through.

Let's help each other out.

Things I do when theres nothing to do

1.  Watch Netflix

2.  Daydream about girls 

3.  Watch sports that I really don't care about.

4.  Watch more Netflix.

5.  Think about as many possible reasons why not to do my homework.

6.  Walk back and forth between the pantry and the fridge hoping that for some reason I will find better food than the stuff that was there the last time I checked..... 

7.  Listen to pandora 

8.  Watch youtube videos.

9.  Take a nap.

10.  Go to the gym.

Finally something productive

11.  Think more about that one perfect girl and think of more and more ways to make her fall for me.

12.  Email missionairies.

13.  Look through old pictures on my phone and remember the good times from summer and wish that I could relive those days.

14.  Listen to more music.

15.  Watch more Netflix

I need to stop watching Netflix.....

16.  Think about getting a job.

17.  Think about all the reasons not to get a job.

18.  Decide not to get a job.

19.  Walk around my house while ignoring my mom telling me to be productive.

20.  Put on my shoes to go for a run.

21.  Take the shoes off, I hate running.

22.  Read a book

23.  Get bored of the book and put it down.

24.  Try to write a blog post for creative writing, but sit for hours with writers block.

25.  Give up on that and go do one of the other 23 things listed above and wait until sunday night to try again.

26.  Try again on sunday and think of any other things to do to waste some time.

Panoramas

I'm not really a photographer,

But these panoramas are some of my favorite 

pictures that I've taken at my

 favorite places that I've 

been in the past few years.

 Chicago

 Lake Powell

Teton National Park

Mount Timp

Winter

Summer

Bag full of Bricks

I feel like I have a bag of bricks weighing me down.

It is tough trying to fit in at lone peak.  Everyone seems to have it all; the nice cars, beautiful homes, fancy phones, designer clothes.  Most of all it seems like everyone at our "world class" high school has their group of friends.

I had mine.

Now however I find myself alone on weekends, with a silent phone and a bunch of bricks strapped to my back.

However I know that I am not alone.

It seems like everyone has something in their lives that at times feels like a bag full of bricks that they can't get rid of.

Something I have come to realize is that humans are very good actors.  One may seem normal at school but in reality their life may be falling apart.  Being one of these actors myself makes me wonder who else is too.

I walk through the halls of lone peak and wonder as I pass my peers if they, like me, are acting normal but are weighed down by invisible bricks that just wont disappear. 

When times are tough and we feel as though the invisible bricks will finally break us, just keep moving on.  These things will pass.

You are not alone.

Here's to you, youth

Im just learning to fly.

Soon enough I'll be able to spread my wings and take off into an adult life that I've been waiting for for 17 years.

But before that, here is to you, youth.

Here's to the friends, the only ones who truely understand me, and the ones who have always been there for me.

To the crushes and the girls that I wish I would have kissed.

Here's to the nights of endless fun, nights that would never end.

Here's to the bike crashes, the scrapes and the bruises. 

To playing with friends every night, never getting bored of the same old things.

Here's to the summer vacations, the freedom, and the sunburns. The trips to Powell, the crazy campouts, and the hike to the top of timp.

To the winters, the snow, and the Christmas breaks.  To the sledding in the backyard, the hot chocolate, and to looking for Santa and his reindeer on Christmas eve.

Here's to the fall, when piles of leaves made the most comfortable beds.  To the backyard football and street basketball.

To spring, when the snow finally melted and green grass and blossoms on the trees were the most welcome things in the world.

Here's to the nights of cramming for tests, writing papers, and finishing homework at 2 am.

To the weekends that flew by way too fast.  Weekends that were the only thing to look forward to during the week.

Here's to the championship where defeat was too bitter.  To the next year when victory was too sweet.

Here's to the ups and the downs, the triumphs and the failures.

Here's to everything youth, I wish I could relive you a million times.

But then again, I'm ready to fly.

Chasing That Happily Ever After.

I wish I would just fall in love already.

But I'm too busy chasing a happily ever after.

Actually, I haven't really been chasing it at all, I've been waiting for it to come to me.

And so far I've had pretty crappy luck.  Love isn't something that simply falls into your lap.  Love isn't something that just happens.  Like anything of value, love takes time.  Love takes patience.  You can't wait for it to come to you, you have to go get it, chase it, and never let it out of your sight.  

That's something I'm just beginning to understand.  

But love is like Oxygen,

Love is like Light, 

Love is essential.

Love is something that everyone needs to live and not just survive.  Sooner or later, I'm going to catch up to it, because at some point, everyone will find love-

The nerds,

The jocks,

The hipsters,

The musicians,

The geeks,

Everyone will find love, as long as they chase their own happily ever after. 

Happily ever afters don't have to be just for Disney movies.  They can be for everyone, just like love can be for everyone.

Love is real.

Its not something reserved for a select few, something only allowed in romantic comedies and in cheesy tv shows.  Its not something that can only be found in almost every song ever made.

Its for all of us, and even if it takes a while, we'll all find it.

So go find love, don't wait for it to come to you.  That's a mistake I've made before, and one that I don't plan on repeating.

I'll be busy chasing after my happily ever after.

Rollercoaster

Life's a rollercoaster, a wild ride
You cannot run, you cannot hide.
Although I want to escape the tide,
Too many feelings are crammed inside.

I want to know God's plan for me
But I remain in constant obscurity,
I wish that my mind could simply be free,
But no, my heart remains in captivity.

I feel so alone, day by day,
I sit alone although I want to play
I see my peers, around me they say
"Whats wrong with you, don't be that way."

I wish it would change but it stays the same,
This life, it all feels like a twisted game,
I dont know why all I feel is shame,
But thats all I have, that and my name.

I'm trekking along a lonely trail,
But I know in the end it can be a glad tale,
Sometimes to get better, one has to fail,
Just wait, soon life will set sail.

I feel so alone but I must move along
Right now its night, but I wait for the dawn
Although my friends have all moved on,
Ill wait for my turn then I too will be gone,

Farewell to those who ahead of me run,
Ill await my turn, my race hasn't begun,
And day by day I'll rise like the sun,
And look forward to the time when we all are done.

This ride of life has lows and highs,
And soon enough I will reach for the skies,
And finally have no reason to sigh,
I will stand tall, and until then, good bye.

Chapters

Senior year- its basically the last chapter of youth.  Everyone says that graduating from high school is one of the major milestones of life. 

As I've seen a brother, a sister, and many friends all graduate and embark on the next chapter of their lives its made me think about whats next, and also about whats past: about my chapters.

I think back to elementary school, and then to middle school,  and then to sophomore year, with each progression a new chapter began.  Now senior year is here, and I am both nervous and excited to see what the next chapter will bring.

I've learned so much then last few years and cant wait to learn more.  Time is flying by, and Im so ready to take off with it.

The Man in the Mirror

What makes people more than a bunch of programmed robots repeating the same dull actions day by day until it all seems like a pointless blur?

Its the potential we have in us.  Its the amazing man, (or women) we see in the mirror.  As hard as it is to be human, the really great and amazing thing about it is that we are all so unique, yet we all have the same unlimited potential.  Really, there isnt anyone stopping us from being the best we can be accept us. 

Just believe, cause those who say they can and those who say they can't are usually both right.  Of course there are acceptions.... "dont stop believing,  unless your dream is stupid, then you should get a better dream."  Dont be unrealistic, but still, believe in the amazing human potential that is inherant in all of us. 

Im sorry if Im sounding like a motivational speaker, but really, like kid president pep talked, "you're gooder than that....we were made to be awesome!"

Dont be satisfied with the robot life.  Look in the mirror and see the amazing human you are.  Lets do something to make the world awesome. 

Summer Paradise

So this past summer one of my best friends showed me a song, Summer Paradise, and instantly I fell in love with it.  It talks about how all the singer wants is to get back to a summer paradise with the one he loves.  Right now that is all I want- to get back to summer paradise with the ones that I love. Now that school has picked up again it feels like so long ago that it was summer.  All I want is to go back, back to my summer paradise. 

Cause I remember every sunset
I remember every word you said
We were never gonna say goodbye
Singing la-da-da-da-da

Tell me how to get back to
Back to summer paradise with you
And I'll be there in a heartbeat

I don't want to say goodbye, and I wish someone would tell me how to get back.  The only problem is I cant go back, as much I want to.  It was always one of my childhood fantasies, to have a time machine.  But we cant go back in time, all we can do is cherish the memories and never forget the friendships we made, and hope that one day it can come back again, years in the future, and that too much hasn't changed.  But for now, my summer paradise is only a fiction of my imagination, a special part of my memory.  I just can't wait for the day I will finally make it back.  

Crayons

I wish high school was just like elementary school.  Looking back, I had so much fun in elementary school.  Parties on every holiday, even the small ones we forget about now that we are older, recess, field days, dance festivals, school plays, and playing with crayons.  But now we cant really do anything like that.  Sure we can drive to subway for lunch now if we want, but all I know is I would much rather play a good game of touch football or a round of speed on the court during lunch.  I see my cousins go who are still in elementary school and I really envy them.

In a year I could be half way across the world, speaking a new language and interacting with people I would have never dreamed possible.  As taboo as it is to admit that you are afraid of something, I'm afraid of growing up.  Leaving the fun world of my childhood in the dust as I am hurled into the grim adult world really scares me.  The older you get, the more things are required of you.  In ten years I may to be the parent sending their kid off to their first year of school, and if I am I already know I'm going to wish I was back in their shoes- going off to recess, field days, and playing with crayons.

Intro

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.

This is part of the poem "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley, which is one of my favorite poems.  It basically says that no matter what happens, how bleak or impossible the situation we face, we are always in control.  I am the master of my fate.  I am the captain of my soul.  That is the mindset which I use to get through whatever situation I am faced with.  It is up to us to decide to be happy or sad,  to feel optimistic or hopeless.  Don't let anyone try to control who you are, simply be you and that's all that should matter.

As for my pen name, it is just that-a pen name.  It has nothing to do with who I am in any way really, its just a name I chose.  That way I can write not as me but as Austin Thomas.  I guess you can say it doesn't matter who I am in reality, I am Austin Thomas here, and that way their aren't any pre-assumed notions about me and what I am "supposed" to think and say.