Bag full of Bricks

I feel like I have a bag of bricks weighing me down.

It is tough trying to fit in at lone peak.  Everyone seems to have it all; the nice cars, beautiful homes, fancy phones, designer clothes.  Most of all it seems like everyone at our "world class" high school has their group of friends.

I had mine.

Now however I find myself alone on weekends, with a silent phone and a bunch of bricks strapped to my back.

However I know that I am not alone.

It seems like everyone has something in their lives that at times feels like a bag full of bricks that they can't get rid of.

Something I have come to realize is that humans are very good actors.  One may seem normal at school but in reality their life may be falling apart.  Being one of these actors myself makes me wonder who else is too.

I walk through the halls of lone peak and wonder as I pass my peers if they, like me, are acting normal but are weighed down by invisible bricks that just wont disappear. 

When times are tough and we feel as though the invisible bricks will finally break us, just keep moving on.  These things will pass.

You are not alone.

Here's to you, youth

Im just learning to fly.

Soon enough I'll be able to spread my wings and take off into an adult life that I've been waiting for for 17 years.

But before that, here is to you, youth.

Here's to the friends, the only ones who truely understand me, and the ones who have always been there for me.

To the crushes and the girls that I wish I would have kissed.

Here's to the nights of endless fun, nights that would never end.

Here's to the bike crashes, the scrapes and the bruises. 

To playing with friends every night, never getting bored of the same old things.

Here's to the summer vacations, the freedom, and the sunburns. The trips to Powell, the crazy campouts, and the hike to the top of timp.

To the winters, the snow, and the Christmas breaks.  To the sledding in the backyard, the hot chocolate, and to looking for Santa and his reindeer on Christmas eve.

Here's to the fall, when piles of leaves made the most comfortable beds.  To the backyard football and street basketball.

To spring, when the snow finally melted and green grass and blossoms on the trees were the most welcome things in the world.

Here's to the nights of cramming for tests, writing papers, and finishing homework at 2 am.

To the weekends that flew by way too fast.  Weekends that were the only thing to look forward to during the week.

Here's to the championship where defeat was too bitter.  To the next year when victory was too sweet.

Here's to the ups and the downs, the triumphs and the failures.

Here's to everything youth, I wish I could relive you a million times.

But then again, I'm ready to fly.

Chasing That Happily Ever After.

I wish I would just fall in love already.

But I'm too busy chasing a happily ever after.

Actually, I haven't really been chasing it at all, I've been waiting for it to come to me.

And so far I've had pretty crappy luck.  Love isn't something that simply falls into your lap.  Love isn't something that just happens.  Like anything of value, love takes time.  Love takes patience.  You can't wait for it to come to you, you have to go get it, chase it, and never let it out of your sight.  

That's something I'm just beginning to understand.  

But love is like Oxygen,

Love is like Light, 

Love is essential.

Love is something that everyone needs to live and not just survive.  Sooner or later, I'm going to catch up to it, because at some point, everyone will find love-

The nerds,

The jocks,

The hipsters,

The musicians,

The geeks,

Everyone will find love, as long as they chase their own happily ever after. 

Happily ever afters don't have to be just for Disney movies.  They can be for everyone, just like love can be for everyone.

Love is real.

Its not something reserved for a select few, something only allowed in romantic comedies and in cheesy tv shows.  Its not something that can only be found in almost every song ever made.

Its for all of us, and even if it takes a while, we'll all find it.

So go find love, don't wait for it to come to you.  That's a mistake I've made before, and one that I don't plan on repeating.

I'll be busy chasing after my happily ever after.

Rollercoaster

Life's a rollercoaster, a wild ride
You cannot run, you cannot hide.
Although I want to escape the tide,
Too many feelings are crammed inside.

I want to know God's plan for me
But I remain in constant obscurity,
I wish that my mind could simply be free,
But no, my heart remains in captivity.

I feel so alone, day by day,
I sit alone although I want to play
I see my peers, around me they say
"Whats wrong with you, don't be that way."

I wish it would change but it stays the same,
This life, it all feels like a twisted game,
I dont know why all I feel is shame,
But thats all I have, that and my name.

I'm trekking along a lonely trail,
But I know in the end it can be a glad tale,
Sometimes to get better, one has to fail,
Just wait, soon life will set sail.

I feel so alone but I must move along
Right now its night, but I wait for the dawn
Although my friends have all moved on,
Ill wait for my turn then I too will be gone,

Farewell to those who ahead of me run,
Ill await my turn, my race hasn't begun,
And day by day I'll rise like the sun,
And look forward to the time when we all are done.

This ride of life has lows and highs,
And soon enough I will reach for the skies,
And finally have no reason to sigh,
I will stand tall, and until then, good bye.

Chapters

Senior year- its basically the last chapter of youth.  Everyone says that graduating from high school is one of the major milestones of life. 

As I've seen a brother, a sister, and many friends all graduate and embark on the next chapter of their lives its made me think about whats next, and also about whats past: about my chapters.

I think back to elementary school, and then to middle school,  and then to sophomore year, with each progression a new chapter began.  Now senior year is here, and I am both nervous and excited to see what the next chapter will bring.

I've learned so much then last few years and cant wait to learn more.  Time is flying by, and Im so ready to take off with it.

The Man in the Mirror

What makes people more than a bunch of programmed robots repeating the same dull actions day by day until it all seems like a pointless blur?

Its the potential we have in us.  Its the amazing man, (or women) we see in the mirror.  As hard as it is to be human, the really great and amazing thing about it is that we are all so unique, yet we all have the same unlimited potential.  Really, there isnt anyone stopping us from being the best we can be accept us. 

Just believe, cause those who say they can and those who say they can't are usually both right.  Of course there are acceptions.... "dont stop believing,  unless your dream is stupid, then you should get a better dream."  Dont be unrealistic, but still, believe in the amazing human potential that is inherant in all of us. 

Im sorry if Im sounding like a motivational speaker, but really, like kid president pep talked, "you're gooder than that....we were made to be awesome!"

Dont be satisfied with the robot life.  Look in the mirror and see the amazing human you are.  Lets do something to make the world awesome. 

Summer Paradise

So this past summer one of my best friends showed me a song, Summer Paradise, and instantly I fell in love with it.  It talks about how all the singer wants is to get back to a summer paradise with the one he loves.  Right now that is all I want- to get back to summer paradise with the ones that I love. Now that school has picked up again it feels like so long ago that it was summer.  All I want is to go back, back to my summer paradise. 

Cause I remember every sunset
I remember every word you said
We were never gonna say goodbye
Singing la-da-da-da-da

Tell me how to get back to
Back to summer paradise with you
And I'll be there in a heartbeat

I don't want to say goodbye, and I wish someone would tell me how to get back.  The only problem is I cant go back, as much I want to.  It was always one of my childhood fantasies, to have a time machine.  But we cant go back in time, all we can do is cherish the memories and never forget the friendships we made, and hope that one day it can come back again, years in the future, and that too much hasn't changed.  But for now, my summer paradise is only a fiction of my imagination, a special part of my memory.  I just can't wait for the day I will finally make it back.  

Crayons

I wish high school was just like elementary school.  Looking back, I had so much fun in elementary school.  Parties on every holiday, even the small ones we forget about now that we are older, recess, field days, dance festivals, school plays, and playing with crayons.  But now we cant really do anything like that.  Sure we can drive to subway for lunch now if we want, but all I know is I would much rather play a good game of touch football or a round of speed on the court during lunch.  I see my cousins go who are still in elementary school and I really envy them.

In a year I could be half way across the world, speaking a new language and interacting with people I would have never dreamed possible.  As taboo as it is to admit that you are afraid of something, I'm afraid of growing up.  Leaving the fun world of my childhood in the dust as I am hurled into the grim adult world really scares me.  The older you get, the more things are required of you.  In ten years I may to be the parent sending their kid off to their first year of school, and if I am I already know I'm going to wish I was back in their shoes- going off to recess, field days, and playing with crayons.

Intro

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.

This is part of the poem "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley, which is one of my favorite poems.  It basically says that no matter what happens, how bleak or impossible the situation we face, we are always in control.  I am the master of my fate.  I am the captain of my soul.  That is the mindset which I use to get through whatever situation I am faced with.  It is up to us to decide to be happy or sad,  to feel optimistic or hopeless.  Don't let anyone try to control who you are, simply be you and that's all that should matter.

As for my pen name, it is just that-a pen name.  It has nothing to do with who I am in any way really, its just a name I chose.  That way I can write not as me but as Austin Thomas.  I guess you can say it doesn't matter who I am in reality, I am Austin Thomas here, and that way their aren't any pre-assumed notions about me and what I am "supposed" to think and say.